


Tangibility

by aubreytruthfully



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crying, Hallucinations, M/M, mentions of lucifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-19
Updated: 2012-11-19
Packaged: 2017-11-19 02:23:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/567987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aubreytruthfully/pseuds/aubreytruthfully
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam calls Amelia only to find someone else on the other end. He, Dean, and Cas go to find out what's going on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tangibility

Sam stares at his phone. He’d thrown it down on the bed when he heard who was on the other end. He’d hung up immediately. 

 

Because.

 

Because that wasn’t Amelia. That wasn’t her voice on the other end. That was someone else, someone who didn’t know who he was, someone who he didn’t know. What was happening? His breath was quickening and he felt panicked. He remembered how this felt. But it had been so long. It had been so, so long since he could feel himself realizing that his mind had betrayed him. It couldn’t be true. She couldn’t have been a…a hallucination.

 

His head ached and his chest ached and his eyes felt the pricks of tears. He couldn’t allow himself to fall apart over this. Maybe he had dialed the wrong number…four times. Maybe Amelia changed her number. Yes, that had to be it. She had gotten so upset about him leaving that she just decided to take her life in a different direction. That was the only thing that made sense, because he couldn’t handle this all being in his head. Sam wasn’t ready to feel that pain again. Sam would never be ready to feel that kind of pain.

 

But that didn’t stop his curiosity. Of all the things that Sam wasn’t good at, he was damn good at research. That would be his simple solution. He would just find her in the system like he had before. She would be there. Everything would be okay.

 

Except that she wasn’t there. No matter how hard he looked. Amelia couldn’t be found. It felt like his world was crashing down again. He had just seen her in the system. She had just been there, but now she wasn’t. Had he truly been imagining all of this? Was it all in his head? No, something had happened. Amelia was real. She was so real. He had felt her. She was as real as the scar on his hand—which was fading too quickly for Sam’s liking. Amelia had supported him, Amelia was everything good and positive, she was nothing like his hallucinations of Lucifer. Amelia was real and he would find her. He would go back to Texas, and he would find her there. Things would be okay.

 

“Sammy!” Dean’s voice made Sam jump. His brother flopped down onto a chair and took a bite out of what Sam was assuming was a burger despite its unnatural looks. “Don’t think it’s our kind of thing, total bust,” he spoke through a full mouth, but Sam was good at deciphering an eating Dean. 

 

“Okay,” Sam could hear the hollowness in his own voice. He was still a little shook up, but it was stupid. There was no reason for him to be. Things were fine. He was fine. Amelia was fine.

 

“What’s up with you?” Dean swallowed, “You look like you’ve seen…Wait, you aren’t…”

 

“I’m not seeing anything Dean,” Sam snapped a little too quickly. 

 

“Fine, just asking.” Dean set the food down, “Sammy, what’s going on?”

 

“I…I called Amelia…and she didn’t pick up,” he paused, “someone else did and…and I think something is up.” He was expecting Dean to flip out over him even mentioning Amelia, but Dean just nodded and kept a serious face. “What if something’s got her Dean? We—I need to go check on her.”

 

“All right, we’ll go check on her Sammy,” Dean got up and patted Sam’s shoulder.

 

“We?”

 

“You think I’m lettin’ you go by yourself?” Dean looked almost insulted by that notion.

 

“Guess not,” Sam shrugged.

 

They packed and Sam wasn’t surprised when he came back into the motel room that Castiel was there. Dean and Cas immediately were silent when they saw him back in the room. Sam couldn’t even bring himself to care what they were talking about. No doubt, Dean had called him down there. Dean wasn’t particularly good at dealing with situations like this, but Sam found it amusing that Dean thought Cas might be better at it. 

 

Mostly, they were quiet on the drive there. Dean kept his music loud and Sam kept his eyes looking out the passenger window. Sam could feel Castiel’s eyes on him, watching, almost waiting for something, but Sam just kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to say what he was thinking, what he was suddenly feeling. He wasn’t willing to think that Amelia was just some figment of his mind. Sam blinked his eyes a few times, clearing his mind and focusing on the blurs of landscape before him.

 

It was dark and clear when they arrived in Kermit, Texas. Sam didn’t mind though, he could remember everything from this town just fine. He gave Dean directions to where Amelia had been staying when he left. All the lights were out, obviously, she was asleep. “Stay in the car,” Sam finally looked Dean in the eyes, using a firm voice. He didn’t need his brother and his angel awkwardly standing outside of Amelia’s door with him.

 

The walk up to her door felt like the longest walk that he had ever taken. He didn’t know why he was so nervous. Sam knew that she was there; she had to be. Taking a deep breath, he knocked. He waited. He waited some more. He knocked again.

 

“Yes?” a very sleepy, older woman opened the door. Sam stared at her for a moment. She was definitely not Amelia.

 

“Is Amelia here?” At this point, Sam wasn’t even sure why he was asking.

 

“Sorry sweetie, I don’t know an Amelia,” at least she was polite.

 

“Thank you,” his voice shook a little.

 

Sam took off. He knew that Dean was driving close behind him, shouting things at him, asking what was wrong, telling him to get back in the car. Sam just started walking in places that Dean couldn’t drive. He walked and walked and walked until it hurt. He walked until his lungs burned and his legs ached, but it still didn’t hurt more than his chest. Sam finally collapsed in the park; he lay down in the grass, breaths still coming fast. Through all the panic and muscles aches, he finally fell asleep.

 

Dean had called him so many times that Sam’s voicemail was full. Sam didn’t care though, he couldn’t think about anything but Amelia. Which was why when he finally got up the next morning, he started walking around the town. He spent the whole day trying to find her. He asked around, but no one knew anything. In a last ditch effort; he went to the local library. He’d been there a thousand times before. Sam began searching through every record they had…

 

But he didn’t find her.

 

He didn’t find her anywhere.

 

And so he stormed out again. This wasn’t happening to him again. He’d already been through his torture. He’d had Lucifer in his head, but this seemed worse somehow. Amelia hadn’t been hurtful, she hadn’t caused him that torturous pain that Lucifer had. He wasn’t sure where he had ended up, but it was somewhere with lots of trees and grass and it was pretty.

 

Someone sat down next to him and Sam glanced over. Castiel didn’t say a word; just sat quietly overlooking the field with Sam. Both of them sat silently for a little while. A breeze blowing, grass and leaves rustling, Sam sighed.

 

“Why didn’t I find her Cas?” Sam almost choked on his words. His throat was tight and sore.

 

“Because she wasn’t real Sam,” Castiel’s voice was gentle, but not sheltering.

 

Sam’s shoulders hunched over and the tears finally overtook him. He buried his face in his arms and pulled his legs up closer to his chest. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to die. He wanted everything to end. Sam had paid his price, done his time; he didn’t want to be crazy anymore. He didn’t want Dean to look at him with that pitied glance anymore. What if there were things that Castiel simply couldn’t take from his mind? What if Sam was always going to be like this? Always going to be crazy? Sam couldn’t handle that.

 

“It’s okay Samuel,” Castiel cautiously put an arm around Sam’s shoulders. Sam leaned into the touch, finally just letting someone comfort him. “Things will be okay. You are not crazy.”

 

“But I am,” Sam sobbed out, “I’m too broken for you to fix this time Cas.” 

 

“You are not broken. You are a light in this darkened world.” Castiel stroked his fingers through Sam’s hair—he was surprised by the softness and somehow pleased by how long it had gotten. “You were all alone Samuel. It’s okay to hurt. She wasn’t a hallucination from a broken wall in your mind. She was a coping mechanism.”

 

Sam wasn’t sure if Castiel’s words were supposed to be comforting or just honest. He hoped that maybe they were a little of both. He didn’t know Castiel to be much of a liar…so maybe it wasn’t a wall in his tragic mind. Maybe Amelia was really something to help him through everything. 

 

“I was so hollow,” Sam moved his head off Castiel’s chest, catching the angel’s eyes, “I was empty without Dean.” He paused, “Without you.” His tears were finally starting to stop, “I never thought I would see Dean again, but then I did. But you?” Sam sighed, “Dean said you were dead. I…I thought…I was never going to be able to…” Sam couldn’t finish his sentence.

 

“Dean’s here Sam.” Cas touched Sam’s cheek, “I’m here. I’m not going to let anything happen to you Sam. You didn’t…you don’t need Amelia anymore.”

 

“I still feel like I lost her,” Sam ducked his head, “But…but I got Dean back. I got…I got you back.”

 

What came over him, Sam didn’t know, but it hit him hard and fast. He leaned forward to catch Castiel’s lips with his own. Cas didn’t move away, but instead pulled in closer. Sam had lost Amelia, but he didn’t have to lose Cas. Castiel was real. Nothing about Cas was just in his head. Castiel was right here and tangible and visible to the world. Sam was never letting him out of his sight again. Dean and Cas were real and nothing else mattered.


End file.
